My Favourite Spam Part I

Hello Döner Fans. When your blog becomes as popular as this one (by which I mean not very popular at all) it begins to attract an increasing volume of spam. Thankfully, there are copious anti-spam plug-ins out there, which are capable of fencing you off from the vast majority of these unwelcome outbursts of embarrassment, vulgarity, and oddness. The Dr Döner spam filter currently contains about 3,800 spam messages.

A tin of spam. I wouldn’t climb over a nice kebab for it.

Spam is like red cabbage in your döner. There is always more of it than you would like. But what to do with it all?

I have always striven to turn problems into opportunities, Döner Fans. And so, after a brisk trawl through some of my most recent spam, I found the following nuggets for you, as a flavour of the vast amount of junk that floats around out there on the internet.

As you will see, the world of spam is populated by people flogging dodgy links, selling fake fashion replicas, and marketing Viagra. It is a glimpse into a bizarre, mercenary, and sexually-charged world. Here, for your perusal, is a selection of some of my spam. Enjoy, Döner Fans!

 

replica watches: “Thanks for the marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.”

Thank you, ‘replica watches’. And I’ll be sure to put you on the list for a complimentary copy of my first novel.

 

hn skin care: “Нoneymark uses Manuka Honey in іts skin care products, which is naturallу produсed by bees who gather nectar from the Manuka tree, indigenous to the pollution-free environmеnt of New Zealand.”

This spam was factual and interesting. Doesn’t have much to do with kebabs though.

 

wine: “Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!”

I’m sure you had to tell someone. But that someone was not me.

 

time tregg sees: ”Hello, you used to write great, butt the last few posts have been kinda boring… I miss your great writings. Past few posts are justt a little out of track! come on!”

Clearly ‘time tregg sees’ (if that is his real name) is not a kebab fan. Probably only eats shawarma.

 

t shirt halloween femme enceinte: “Great items from you, man. I’ve take note your stuff prior to and you are simply extremely magnificent. I really like what you have obtained here, really like what you are saying and the way in which in which you assert it. You make it entertaining and you continue to care for to stay it wise. I can not wait to read far more from you. That is really a terrific site.”

Not sure why this is spam, really. Sounds like legitimate praise to me.

 

domains za: “Actually no matter if someone doesn’t be aware of afterward its up to other people that they will help, so here it occurs.”

Cryptic… very cryptic. I will spend hours tonight trying to prise pearls of meaning from this linguistic clam. All suggestions are welcome, Döner Fans.

 

telewizja online za darmo w uk: ”It’s impressive that you are getting thoughts from this paragraph as well as from our dialogue made at this place.”

I’m afraid I have no recollection of that dialogue, sadly. Which is a shame, because it sounds as if we would really have got on.

 

otc male enhancement: ”I quickly stood up and attempted to push the balls out with my vagina. Feel free to visit my blog”

Whoa there! This sounds like an excerpt from a challenging piece of contemporary performance art.  Wasn’t Equus deemed controversial when it first came out, after all? As for visiting the blog, though…nah.

 

Well that’s all for now, Döner Fans. But no doubt there will be more soon. In the meantime I’m off to see if I can figure out what ‘domains za’ was trying to tell me. Wish me luck…

Au revoir!